I was broken & I didn’t know it

I was broken & I didn’t know it until I was 25!

I grew up in a Christian home where my dad was a Bible teacher and so was mom. And it was the perfect Christian family any kid would have wanted. From playing only Christian music on the tape recorder to going to camps where my father taught all about Jesus and what a life with Jesus looked like.

I grew up to be this confident kid who was funny, loved by all and had parents who loved the Lord. Fast forward to 23 years, I just moved out of home and finally, oh finally, I was free. I felt like a free bird who had just left a nest which I called ‘home’ for all these years. Guess what! I didn’t miss it a bit.

My decision to move out was a prayerful one. It’s funny you know, whenever God approves of something that we desire so much, there is always a non-existent temptation carefully hiding behind it. And it reveals itself subtly when we’re enjoying God’s approved plan for us.

And that’s what just happened! The fun and freedom that had just fallen into my lap twirled me into it like a whirlpool. I didn’t even know, till it was too late!

All this while I thought I was this confident, crazy, fun, sorted girl who had built her ideas on the Bible. And for the most part I did! While, I liked many guys, I had never had a boyfriend until then. I had planned to marry the one God would choose for me.

In the midst of experiencing this whole new world of freedom, I would seldom realise that I had lost Jesus somewhere after he approved this ‘moving out’ plan. But I was too busy enjoying it. My love for trying new things, made me try a gazillion things.

Soon, I was 25 and heartbroken. I started to realise, how much love and acceptance I craved and how far was I willing to go for it. Very far, trust me! I was a mess with knowing no one in the city, even after living here for 2 years. I felt alone and it was not at all nice! I didn’t have a church, no fellowship, no support system.

I could feel an emptiness inside of me. I was sure One person could fulfil that, if not my boyfriend. I had experienced Jesus’s love when I was back home. I hoped I could feel it again! Thankfully, I ended up in a church and things started to change.

25 years into my life, I finally realised, behind that fun, confident and sorted person was a broken, hurt and lonely soul that needed help. I realised that I wasn’t who I thought I was. I was needy, wanted to be loved and craved acceptance. It dawned on me that I wasn’t sorted after all! Messed up, is just the right term. And, that’s when a new journey began of unlearning many beliefs and learning new truths about myself, understanding God’s love in a new way and experiencing the love and fellowship of other followers of Jesus.

Today, I’m almost 30 and I’m still broken. While I’ve grown a strong foundation in Jesus, I’m still realising the depth of my brokenness. How much I want to be loved and accepted for who I am. And guess what, as deeper as my brokenness is, I’m seeing how much more deeper Jesus’s love is.